i've got five points but i ain't no pentagon

don't you worry, gentlefriends. i have plenty more rants in me. it's cute that you thought i was done, though.

1) can we talk about rap songs with explicit lyrics in the title/hook being played on the radio? that's kind of like walking into the louvre and seeing the venus de milo with a black stripe across her ta-tas. i mean, give me the whole spicy enchilada or give me nothing at all. "i love bad ____ that's my ____ problem, and yeah i like to ____ i got a ____ problem". you're just wasting my time, move it along.

2) cargo pants, will you please just commit seppuku already. we are done with you. anyone who thinks the benefit of extra recreational pockets outweighs the need to not wear ugly clothes has poorly assessed their priorities. 

3) inefficiency is perhaps the most excruciating of all the silent killers. when i am trying to buy 4 rugelach from the canter's bakery at 3 am and your only job is to sell people baked goods from the bakery, can you find a way to, like, really shine at what you do? i appreciate the authenticity of your "old school" customer service style but, lady, i got places to be. even at 3 am.

4) although i disagree with the principle of it, i stick the knife in the peanut butter and then the jam (or in reverse order if i'm feelin extra loca) without cleaning the knife. then i just look into each of the jars like, "haha, you're a ruined woman now and no one else will want you". 

5) i've tried a lot of chewing gum. this is the vice i allow myself and i'm the biggest sucker for POS displays ESPECIALLY IF SOMETHING IS ON SALE. apparently that 15 cent savings is the make-or-break for me and i'm incapable of missing out on such a minty-fresh value opportunity. but all of that is to say that i have experimented a lot (heyo!) and still keep going back to the good old orbit peppermint. i know what you're gonna say: it's the charm of the sassy blonde brit in the commercials. but, you guys, i am basing this on flavor, texture, and longevity and i take this  ____ seriously. i'm _____ serious.

get outta here with your iceberg lettuce

oh, hey, big bad world!

it's been a hot minute since i came around these corners of the internet. let me catch you up on a few minor incidents that have transpired.

1) today i voted myself "most likely to have food in a laptop keyboard" (as of yet, nobody has contested).

2) i bought a dirt devil hand vacuum from target for like $15 and have never felt better about a purchase decision. my life is so much less gross now, or at least a little bit less gross. when did this type of (rechargeable!) technology become so affordable and do i have to worry about GMOs or babies working in sweatshops?

3) i've downgraded my passionate loathing of cats to a mild dislike (you're welcome, cats and all people who have hated on me).

4) i'm willing to eat pickles only on a burger or in cases of (relatively) extreme hunger; also willing to eat condiments off a fork while waiting for food to be ready (this excludes mayonnaise, which i can indeed spell without cheating).

5) i rarely approve of the wardrobe choices on jeopardy contestants and feel strongly that they should have a consultant for this like they do on "idol" though i understand the obvious disparity between the two types of talents being showcased.

now you're probably wondering what i have against iceberg lettuce. it's basically just a waste of my time and has laughably low levels of folate, vitamin K, beta carotene, and lutein + zeaxanthin. look, not everyone can grow up to be a kale salad, but iceberg should be relegated to sandwich fixins and nothing more.

people need to start taking things more seriously.