get outta here with your iceberg lettuce

oh, hey, big bad world!

it's been a hot minute since i came around these corners of the internet. let me catch you up on a few minor incidents that have transpired.

1) today i voted myself "most likely to have food in a laptop keyboard" (as of yet, nobody has contested).

2) i bought a dirt devil hand vacuum from target for like $15 and have never felt better about a purchase decision. my life is so much less gross now, or at least a little bit less gross. when did this type of (rechargeable!) technology become so affordable and do i have to worry about GMOs or babies working in sweatshops?

3) i've downgraded my passionate loathing of cats to a mild dislike (you're welcome, cats and all people who have hated on me).

4) i'm willing to eat pickles only on a burger or in cases of (relatively) extreme hunger; also willing to eat condiments off a fork while waiting for food to be ready (this excludes mayonnaise, which i can indeed spell without cheating).

5) i rarely approve of the wardrobe choices on jeopardy contestants and feel strongly that they should have a consultant for this like they do on "idol" though i understand the obvious disparity between the two types of talents being showcased.

now you're probably wondering what i have against iceberg lettuce. it's basically just a waste of my time and has laughably low levels of folate, vitamin K, beta carotene, and lutein + zeaxanthin. look, not everyone can grow up to be a kale salad, but iceberg should be relegated to sandwich fixins and nothing more.

people need to start taking things more seriously.