as i have had the recent misfortune of discovering, the freedom buzz is fleeting.
just a week ago, i stepped out into the scorching san fran sun and reveled in the sweet victory of crossing the line to the other side where alarms and timesheets don't exist (though nor do paychecks). i wore sandals and shorts and walked a few sweaty miles through countless siloed neighborhoods to reach what i will now call the slam district (glam + slum, aka dolores park & vicinity). knowing that my income henceforth ceased to exist, i was determined to stretch my dollar while still giving in to the notion that my first day of autonomy was deserving of certain indulgences. (full time employment during my collegiate tenure served as a financial boot camp for a frugal city dweller such as myself, so budgeting is something i see as a sick pleasure and a challenge.) i convened with a fellow jobless wonder and savored wine, gougère and delfina pizza, had a b-list celebrity sighting, soaked up the heat, chatted up some charmingly hip gay boys, and went to a nighttime hip hop class. i had a hard time believing my life had so abruptly become such a paradise of delicious luxury and leisure. pinch me, am i dreaming?
tragically for me (and thankfully for those who coveted my new lavish lifestyle), the glory was short lived. day one was the honeymoon, and no later than 9:00 am on the day that followed did i awaken to find myself covered in a mess of decisions, logistics, frustrations--you know, that whole "ok, now what?" virus that flares up from time to time. i popped up and showered, hoping to wash away the horrid stress that had appeared from nowhere, and prepared myself for another venture in the city, unchained and unsure. i can shake this, i thought. i'll get out in the sumptuous splendor of the hot city and peace and pleasure will be restored.
and then, just like that, i looked out the window and the clouds said, "hold, please. the sun is not ready to take your call at this time." you've gotta be kidding me. so i get one day of that sun-kissed divinity and then back to status quo? the universe is teasing me. testing me? forcing me to confront the bitter realness that perfection is only an illusion with a limited shelf-life.
so a couple more days followed. the weather again left much to be desired and i spent my time attempting to wrangle tasks from the ever-growing list (thanks, google, for this new gmail feature!) until the weekend arrived and i up and left for a lazy lake getaway where the temperature climbed 50 degrees and instantly reinvigorated my peace of mind and obnoxious joyfulness.
cut to: present day.
and now i'm back in the city, and so is the buzz kill of a climate. i find these days exhausting. my enthusiasm for possibility is wholly squandered by the doom. it has a choke hold on my inspiration and has transformed my vibrant daily vision into a black & white film with a weak storyline, muffled sound, and muted personalities. my stride is being broken by the intrepid emptiness of the dark sky and i am constantly struggling to find a way out of this mess. i want to cheat it, i want to win. i deserve to.
but why do i let the supercilious and preponderant sun dictate my mood? is there a way to bob and weave its crazed determination to ruin me? let me be victorious. i want to stick it to the sun like one shoves a marshmallow toward the flame. i want to find the code to unlock this absolute graying out of my motivation, wringing out of my wide-eyed optimism. when put into words it seems like such a trivial detail of daily life that shouldn't have such an intense influence on my frame of mind, but i find it entirely consuming and manipulative. so far, the only antidotes i am readily aware of are music and booze. the boozic solution. but i want to believe that there is a way to tap into my own brain and rewire my outlook, somehow tricking it into seeing lightness, brightness, and magnificence where i previously saw none.
and so i turn to you, faithful and inventive readers (especially those in portland, seattle, SF, etc.), how do you fight the muck muck?
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First, I congratulate you on your Facebook entry, which brought me here and which demonstrates you really know how to write teaser copy that can drive people to engagement on your Website :) MSFT has no idea what a talent they've lost.
ReplyDeleteSecond, you should know your tweets are unusually entertaining. In a world of drivel, it's a relief to know there is an active, sentient being out there with whom we can all relate. And since crisis and conflict feed creativity, I expect you're in for a realy productive phase of writing. See how the world balances out?
Third, your gloom is normal. It will soon be followed by panic, loss of identity, and envy, as you look upon the busboy cleaning the table at your local dive diner and realize he is employed but you are not.
BUT at about that moment, as long as you keep the faith, something extraordinary will turn your way and you'll end up with an opportunity far and above anything you might have expected, the kind of thing that could only reveal itself to you when you aren't dependent on the weekly wage.
In the meantime, let's get coffee next week and plot our revenge on gloomy spirits. - Shawn F.