delsheeZOO: day five

being that today marks the end of 2010 and has incidentally been quite busy, i'm going to make up for the lack of pictures in previous posts by dumping a bunch on you now and banking on that whole "a picture's worth a thousand words" thing.

i will share one quick anecdote, however. this morning when i took the pups out for a stroll, we encountered another dog. i had been forewarned to try to avoid other dogs because cassie (big) goes nutto, though the streets are public domain and this cannot always be avoided. so she starts barking ferociously and pulling my entire body in her direction, and in the direction of this other pooch. while i am trying to plant my feet firmly and prevent a suburban so-cal dogfight that would make even michael vick blush, mickey (little) somehow weasels out of his collar (and thus off his leash) and starts running amok in the street. mickey is so feisty (and bad with authority) that even when i open the front door to the house to leave, he tries to sneak out. he's got prison break on his mind. so naturally, a leash-less mickey is not high on my list of priorities this holiday season. i am kind of freaking out. i ask the woman with the other dog, who is just standing still, nestled between two parked cars, to keep her dog back and try to grab mickey. i can't let him escape but also can't let cassie get too close to the other guy. somehow, some angel above decided to do me a solid and let mickey come close enough to me that i could swoop him up under my arm. i then held cassie's leash in one hand and struggled to keep her calm and in the right direction and held mickey under my other arm as we walked for a couple blocks, where cassie decided it was the right time to drop one on the grass. i realize there is no way i am picking up poop while holding one dog under my arm and another one on a leash in the other hand so i somehow get the collar and leash back on mickey and that is settled. let's hope my first morning of 2011 is nothing like the last one of 2010.

without further ado, some photo ops of my animal kingdom:

hermie after his morning spritzer

hermie 2.0

cassie before she tries to ruin my day

sleeping with a dog at my head and a cat at my feet

waking up to mental mickey

kermit knows how to kick it

evidence of crickets floating in the water/does kermit have an eating disorder?

delsheeZOO: day four

what, did you come here expecting big news? no dice, suckers.

it's pretty much more of the same right now. the dogs had a fit last night around 2:00 am when i was in bed and making every attempt to sleep. cassie was running in a small circle. i thought maybe she wanted to go out but since i had zero interest in getting out of bed, going into the cold, and potentially picking up her droppings, i ignored her until she simmered down. mickey is still quite keen on sleeping right next to my head but i don't mind it, as long as he keeps the high-pitched yelping and head twitching to a minimum. i watched another movie last night and mickey assumed the same position, warming my lap, for the entire running time. whenever i have guests over and i set him on their lap, he seems to come back to me. is it possible he actually--gasp--doesn't hate me? this would be huge (pronounced "yooj" like the donald says it).

button, the orange cat, has been sleeping on my feet. between him (her?) and mickey at my head, it is like having a heating blanket. a heating blanket that you have to pray doesn't urinate on you.

i have been collecting some photos but may need to do another shoot before posting. i feel like anne geddes as i try to get these finicky creatures to chill long enough for me to be a paparazzo.

i looked into the floating cricket situation/possible amphibious anorexia. i spotted a dead one in the water as well as one unidentified floating object. i unleashed a few fresh crickets into the tank last night--directly and intentionally onto a dry surface--so this evening when i check the tank inventory i should have a better idea of what is going down in there.

when i visited the crabs this a.m. for their morning pick-me-up, one of them really reached out to me and showed some joie de vivre. i tried to document this on camera, but the clawing got to a bit much to handle while i was switching over to macro and turning off the flash. i hope to have semi-decent photos for you in the coming days.

beyond that, not a whole lot else to report. the litter box still smells, the dogs still don't want me to sleep, the frog is still a frog (and not a prince).

tomorrow will be my halfway mark to the finish line. woo.

delsheeZOO: day three

no pictures today because, well....because. you will have to deal.

here's the latest:

the DOGS:

putting the leashes on to take them out for walks is no small feat. cassie (big) stands up and tries to go all muhammed ali on me. mickey (little) has some kind of mental disorder, i'm pretty sure. i put the leash on him and he tries to run around it and chew at it so that it chokes him. i try to straighten it out but he doesn't help me, flailing around like he's having a seizure.

it's really as fun as it sounds.

the good news is that the poop is happening daily. hallelujah.

this morning i awoke to rain (as well as mickey crawling on my face) and realized i'm ill-equipped for this scenario. do dogs like to be walked in the rain? if they don't, do i take them anyway? if i don't take them anyway, do they poop in the house? if they poop in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? sorry, i'm being gross. thin line.

so i took them out in the rain and they both did their biz. then en route back to the house a dump truck was collecting garbage and cassie went nuts. she started charging towards the truck and its mechanical growling sound and nearly pulled my tired body to the ground, and the layer of water covering the sidewalk was no help. i thought this was surely going to be my embarrassing demise--a private, early-morning performance for the trash man--but i mustered all the residual strength from within my formerly bulging biceps and balanced out cassie's weight in our very special (wo)man vs. wild tug-of-war game.

last night, mickey and i bonded a bit while watching a movie, "the company men". he laid in my lap and kept me warm--i think he, too, could relate to the challenges of a down economy.

the CATS:

these guys are pretty chillaxed. they sleep in the bedroom with me. they don't bug. the worst thing about them is the godforsaken litter box that stinks up the bathroom. and one of the kitty cats decided it would be cute to kick a bunch of litter onto the floor in a fit of boredom, so that made it a little more exciting for me. hadn't had an opportunity to use a dustpan for a bit, so, thanks for that, guys.

the FROG:

so far, the crickets have cooperated in crawling up the tunnel as they're supposed to. i tap the tube and they drop into the tank. but i have seen a couple dead ones floating around in the water and am slightly concerned that kermit is not eating his recommended daily allowance. does he have an eating disorder? was i supposed to unleash the crickets onto a dry surface so he had more time to get to them and sink his teeth in? does he have teeth? is he waiting for the hot sauce? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?!?!?!?!

tonight there will be another round of operation cricket drop and i'll reassess kermit's dietary habits.

the CRABS:

after combing the house high and low, the spray bottle was nowhere to be found. was this a test on the part of the house owners to see how i would react in the face of adversity and improvise? if so, well played. but that's also pretty annoying. i went out and bought a new spray bottle. give me a harder one next time! (that's what she said.)

each morning, i pick up the hermits and give 'em a wicked 1-2 spray in the FACE. they poke out a little and say "good morning" to me in french, because that is their native tongue. their food situation is pretty boring--status quo. just a seashell piled up with dry goods. i make sure it's full and they make sure i keep my job.

so there you have it. all eight still seem to be alive. probably eating. occasionally pooping. i will try to get you some more photos but right now i have other priorities, such as investigating the cricket situation and strengthening my arm muscles.

au revoir.

delsheeZOO: day two

rough, long, arduous day dealing with human issues so detailed updates on farmville will be delayed. hopefully tomorrow.

all eight are still alive and kicking. too much kicking, even.

watch this space.

delsheeZOO: day one

i arrived at the house today around noon. the dogs, of course, went nuts. because that's just the kind of confidence booster i need.

it took about 10 minutes to get them to chill out enough for me to put leashes on, though the big one, cassie, clawed at me a bit and tried to take my face off. we went for a brief walk in the hood, with cassie pretty vigorously pulling my bodyweight towards the ground and the little dude, mickey, chewing the purple leash so ferociously that you would've thought you were watching a chocolate cake get attacked by a woman raging with PMS.

cassie opted not to do her business during the walk so there is pretty much a guaranteed numero dos this evening, to which i very much look forward. if it doesn't happen tonight, i will consider roofying her water bowl with some ex-lax.

easy, i said consider.

i checked on kermit (his actual name i'm unaware of) and he seems to be chillin and very much alive. there are, as i anticipated, no crickets in the tubes at this time. i will await nightfall while i hope and pray, but tonight i may have to reach in and pick those jiminy crickets up with my ruthless and agile fingers.

crab #1--the hibernator--is in his cave. nothing to report there.

crabs #2 & #3 i picked up to look at--one kind of reached his legs (claws?) out and the other was in the middle of napping i guess, as hermits tend to do. when i went to reach for the spray bottle to perk the guys up with some DELICIOUS PURIFIED MOUNTAIN SPRING WATER i noticed that the spray bottle is not where it was supposed to be. i combed the whole house, twice, and didn't find it. this may be an issue.

the cats are just getting into their cat shenanigans, acting like celebutantes not wanting to pose for photos, and seem to have eaten most of their breakfast serving of câté. i expect one of them will be sleeping with me tonight. not because i invited him, but because he will be drunk and lonely. and i just can't say no.

old mcdelsheez had a farm

as a result of a serendipitous run-in with a former neighbor, i have stumbled upon a week-long house sitting gig this holiday season. commencing tomorrow, i will not only be holding down the family fort but also tending to a residential zoo. the herd includes: two dogs (one large, one small--yes, that's as specific as i get), two cats (one homebody, one adventurer), three hermit crabs (one in hibernation, two on the prowl), and one frog (because... of course there is).

my childhood was a fine one, but not heavy on the petting. we had a coop in the backyard that at one point housed a chicken, and at another time a rabbit. the gaps in time were filled with a hamster, occasional tadpoles, and the quintessential, minimal-interaction fish tank. never once in there do i consciously recall dealing with the numbers 1 & 2: pee-double-oh & pee-double-e.

i am not overwhelmingly equipped for this job.

but what am i if not a person willing to welcome bizarre challenges into my life? if i classify something an experiment then all of a sudden it's kind of interesting.

so here's the breakdown:

the dogs need to be walked twice a day, but one only likes to hang out in the backyard and the other only likes the street. one of them is also apparently a bit mental and has beef with other neighborhood canines. this one has a complex harness that attaches to his leash, though it has been explained to me that it's too complicated so i shouldn't worry about it. i'm already worried. i will obviously need to pick up and dispose of the excrement. i'll need to let them into the house at the right time, not let them out at the wrong time. they have dry food and water and treats and emotional issues, all of which i am completely unfamiliar with, quite like the language of mandarin. but if i need to learn it, i will learn it. nee how ma?

the cats (whose species i have never been particularly trusting nor fond of) require a specific serving size of wet food twice daily in separate (but equal) dishes as well as dry food and water. one of them goes rogue from time to time, trying to solve crimes in the 'hood or perhaps having a tryst with a sassy feline from around the way. he will eventually come back to the den by way of an enclosed patio where i will need to go call or whistle for him (not my strong suit) around sunset. the other is allegedly much more chilled out and stays inside the house but has taken up an angry habit lately of pissing in unofficial locations. the house owners informed me that the two distinct types of litter in the two different boxes are intended to help solve this reckless urination epidemic. we will see about that. now, the litter boxes are kept in one of the bathrooms. the door to this room cannot ever be closed or obstructed or else they will not have a clear pathway to their VIP WC. the cats will apparently sometimes hide behind doors, in nooks, in bedroom crevices, and i should not close the doors while they're in there. but likewise i should not leave room doors open for fear that they will opt to drop their business as a pleasant post-xmas gift for me. the door situation poses another challenge.

the hermit crabs are located in two different tanks, in two different rooms. one guy is hibernating in some kind of fleece sleeping bag (from north face?) and needn't be bothered, just requires his food stocked and water filled. the other two guys are a bit more interesting: in addition to needing an ample supply of dry food in their dish and water to drink, they need to be picked up daily by hand and sprayed head-on with special purified water. i am perhaps the most excited about this.

the last of the clan is the frog. this dude intrigues me. i feel like maybe i will relate to him most, but this will be confirmed over time. frogger here eats live crickets (which of course also require their own tank and food source). in the cricket tank there are two circular openings, one on each side. in those openings fit diagonally two hollow plastic cylinders with small caps on the outside. the idea is that, during the day, some of the crickets will climb up into the tube and just kick it there. when it is feeding time for kermit, i will pull out one of the cylinders, checking to ensure there are a few guys inside, and then hold the tube over the frog tank and tap the cap on top so they fall out the open end. to their death they plummet, as the frog is recharged and ready to take on the day. kumbaya, the circle of life. in the event that they opt not to climb into the tube that particular day (which the house owners assured me will not happen) i will just need to reach my hand into the cricket tank and grab the bastards with my tweezer-like fingers. no problem, right? no problem.

so there you have it. that's the rundown of my life for the next eight squares on the calendar. i can only pray that these animals last all eight days (and then some) like the miraculous oil of hanukkah.

stay tuned for the play-by-play and perhaps some genuine photographic evidence.

yours truly,

the farmer in the del(sheez)