as a result of a serendipitous run-in with a former neighbor, i have stumbled upon a week-long house sitting gig this holiday season. commencing tomorrow, i will not only be holding down the family fort but also tending to a residential zoo. the herd includes: two dogs (one large, one small--yes, that's as specific as i get), two cats (one homebody, one adventurer), three hermit crabs (one in hibernation, two on the prowl), and one frog (because... of course there is).
my childhood was a fine one, but not heavy on the petting. we had a coop in the backyard that at one point housed a chicken, and at another time a rabbit. the gaps in time were filled with a hamster, occasional tadpoles, and the quintessential, minimal-interaction fish tank. never once in there do i consciously recall dealing with the numbers 1 & 2: pee-double-oh & pee-double-e.
i am not overwhelmingly equipped for this job.
but what am i if not a person willing to welcome bizarre challenges into my life? if i classify something an experiment then all of a sudden it's kind of interesting.
so here's the breakdown:
the dogs need to be walked twice a day, but one only likes to hang out in the backyard and the other only likes the street. one of them is also apparently a bit mental and has beef with other neighborhood canines. this one has a complex harness that attaches to his leash, though it has been explained to me that it's too complicated so i shouldn't worry about it. i'm already worried. i will obviously need to pick up and dispose of the excrement. i'll need to let them into the house at the right time, not let them out at the wrong time. they have dry food and water and treats and emotional issues, all of which i am completely unfamiliar with, quite like the language of mandarin. but if i need to learn it, i will learn it. nee how ma?
the cats (whose species i have never been particularly trusting nor fond of) require a specific serving size of wet food twice daily in separate (but equal) dishes as well as dry food and water. one of them goes rogue from time to time, trying to solve crimes in the 'hood or perhaps having a tryst with a sassy feline from around the way. he will eventually come back to the den by way of an enclosed patio where i will need to go call or whistle for him (not my strong suit) around sunset. the other is allegedly much more chilled out and stays inside the house but has taken up an angry habit lately of pissing in unofficial locations. the house owners informed me that the two distinct types of litter in the two different boxes are intended to help solve this reckless urination epidemic. we will see about that. now, the litter boxes are kept in one of the bathrooms. the door to this room cannot ever be closed or obstructed or else they will not have a clear pathway to their VIP WC. the cats will apparently sometimes hide behind doors, in nooks, in bedroom crevices, and i should not close the doors while they're in there. but likewise i should not leave room doors open for fear that they will opt to drop their business as a pleasant post-xmas gift for me. the door situation poses another challenge.
the hermit crabs are located in two different tanks, in two different rooms. one guy is hibernating in some kind of fleece sleeping bag (from north face?) and needn't be bothered, just requires his food stocked and water filled. the other two guys are a bit more interesting: in addition to needing an ample supply of dry food in their dish and water to drink, they need to be picked up daily by hand and sprayed head-on with special purified water. i am perhaps the most excited about this.
the last of the clan is the frog. this dude intrigues me. i feel like maybe i will relate to him most, but this will be confirmed over time. frogger here eats live crickets (which of course also require their own tank and food source). in the cricket tank there are two circular openings, one on each side. in those openings fit diagonally two hollow plastic cylinders with small caps on the outside. the idea is that, during the day, some of the crickets will climb up into the tube and just kick it there. when it is feeding time for kermit, i will pull out one of the cylinders, checking to ensure there are a few guys inside, and then hold the tube over the frog tank and tap the cap on top so they fall out the open end. to their death they plummet, as the frog is recharged and ready to take on the day. kumbaya, the circle of life. in the event that they opt not to climb into the tube that particular day (which the house owners assured me will not happen) i will just need to reach my hand into the cricket tank and grab the bastards with my tweezer-like fingers. no problem, right? no problem.
so there you have it. that's the rundown of my life for the next eight squares on the calendar. i can only pray that these animals last all eight days (and then some) like the miraculous oil of hanukkah.
stay tuned for the play-by-play and perhaps some genuine photographic evidence.
yours truly,
the farmer in the del(sheez)
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